The one thing that has been constant in my life, long before the lithium toxicity, is the drive to create software that reflects how I feel internally. Since I started working on these visual projects around 2011, I have always been trying to translate internal experience into something visual. If you have seen any of the shaders, filters, effects, or videos I have made over the years, you will probably notice a common theme. I tend to focus on energy. Not as a scientific claim, but as a lived experience. To me, energy feels like what everything is made of. It fills the space around us, moves through us, and connects everything together.
That is why my visuals often rely on gradients, repeating patterns, distortions, and reflections of light. I am not trying to create realistic imagery. I am trying to create a sense of motion, vibration, and presence. These colors and shapes are my way of making something invisible feel visible. Through this lens, I attempt to describe what it is like to look at the world from this point of view, even if your eyes are closed and your perception is shaped by habit, conditioning, or routine. It is about seeing past what we think we know and allowing a different interpretation to exist, even briefly.
I still remember the moment when this perspective first cracked open for me. I looked at my own body and felt disconnected from the identity I had been taught to accept. I saw tattoos and scars differently, noticed my pupils dilated, and became aware of patterns in my skin that felt symbolic, almost like language I could not yet understand. It was not about believing something literal was happening. It was about realizing that my internal experience did not match the simple story I had been given about who or what I was. That realization stayed with me and shaped how I think about perception and self.
I am not claiming to be a scientist, and I am not presenting myself as spiritually advanced. What I can do is work with abstract ideas and express them through code. Writing shaders and building visual systems is a form of practice for me. It is how I process thoughts, emotions, and experiences in a constructive way. This has become even more important after the coma, especially now that I deal with some cognitive difficulties. Creating software gives me a way to focus, to organize my thoughts, and to turn something internal into something tangible. It is not about proving anything. It is about expression, recovery, and continuing to move forward in a positive direction.